I might as well start with a confession: I am hopelessly in love. Actually, that doesn't seem like a bad thing, but I really need help with this. You see, I used to live in Wichita Falls, Texas. I went to a pretty large church congregation; there were over 700 members. My church was fantastic--the people there were so supportive and kind; really good Christians who I looked up to. Most of the people in my class were kids I'd known since I was little. The guy I fell in love with was no different.

I'd grown up with him, and in sixth grade, I started to crush on him. By that time, however, I had become really shy and didn't talk to anyone. So I would see this guy every week, but I wouldn't actually speak to him. Nevertheless, I thought he was cute and funny and smart, and began to have feelings for him. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way about me. He didn't really talk to me; he was kind of shy too. (At least around me.) But his mom would tell my mom things that Jacob had said, and I overheard a lot of it. Thinking back, this boy would probably have been pretty embarrassed if he knew his mom was telling people all about his private thoughts. At the time, though, I was thrilled to think he might actually like me back. But like I said, we were too shy to actually talk to one another. If we did, I'd probably feel differently now: maybe we'd just be really good friends, or maybe I'd not like him at all. But my opportunity for that is gone forever now (not to sound dramatic or anything). I moved to Germany(my dad is in the military) the summer before my seventh grade year, and haven't seen Jacob since. My crush didn't die, though. I know that my image of him has changed--I'm fantasizing about my image of Jacob, not the real boy. And he might have changed since I knew him; if I saw him again I might wonder what I ever saw in him.

Last week, my dad got a letter that said he might be going to Florida for four months to work at a military installation there. The chances of this looked pretty good, and he expected to go. My entire family would go with him. Since moving to Germany, my sister, mother and I have taken only one trip back to the States. We were thrilled to be going again, especially since the long amount of time in Florida would allow us to take trips to other locations in America--my hometown one of them. I was thrilled. We still weren't sure if we were going, but everything was set in my mind. I was going to see Jacob again! This would finally be my chance to set things right. I would talk to him, and find out whether my feelings were legitamate or not. I would find out if he was totally wrong for me--or I would find out if we were meant for each other. It would be a happily-ever-after.

But it turns out that the letter my dad got was for someone else at his work. We weren't going to Florida. The chance had never even been real. I was, needless to say, very upset. Until I found out we weren't going, I hadn't realized I had wanted it so much. I hadn't even realized I loved Jacob so much. But I spent the night curled up on my bedroom floor, sobbing.

I know that this all happened for a reason, that it's an opportunity to grow in my faith. But for the life of me, I can't tell what the lesson is supposed to be. I've known for a long time that my crush is not Godly love. It is simply emotion that has been manipulated. I feel angry at myself for letting this rock my world so much, but I don't know how to fix it. I hope someone can help me with this. If not, than I can only hope that it will be a warning to other girls not to let themselves fall into the same pit. But maybe I'm being melodramatic. Maybe I'm just being selfish, and this isn't really heartbreak. The problem is, I don't know either way. I'm hopelessly in love with someone I may never see again--is that the work of the devil? Or is it natural for someone my age? I'm so confused by this! If this is love, is it really worth it?

Thank you so much! It is nice to get advice from someone who has already gone through these kinds of things...you can look back and see how God had it all planned, while I can only see the present.

Thanks again!